Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
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