What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
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