How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
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