"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
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