It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
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