There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
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