"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
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