Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
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