Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
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