What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
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