If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
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