Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
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