A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Knock knock.
Come in.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
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