What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
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