There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Go to BabaMail
