Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
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