Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Go to BabaMail
