It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.