There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
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