It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
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