What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
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