Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
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