It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
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