As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
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