They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.