What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
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