Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.