What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Go to BabaMail
