Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Go to BabaMail
