For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.