She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
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