How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"