It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest