Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
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