Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
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