What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
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