Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.