I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.