What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
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