Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Go to BabaMail
