What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.