"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
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