Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"