Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Go to BabaMail
