What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.