"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.