It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
You know what they say? Words.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
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