Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.