It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Go to BabaMail
