“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
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