A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
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