Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!