What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
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