You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)