A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
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