My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!