Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
You know what they say? Words.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
I think, therefore I’m single.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
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