Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.