"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
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