Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Go to BabaMail
