Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
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