What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.