What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.