Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.