It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
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