When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
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